I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud...

Dear Blog,

There are 3 different types of gaits. Of course, these three can be broken up into subcategories, but generally speaking, there are three different types of gaits.

There's the Walk. The Walk is just a walk, neither slow, nor fast, but just right. You Walk when you have 5 minutes to get to class. You Walk to your car. You Walk to dinner. Subcategory of Walk includes Power Walking. Power Walkers are always middle-aged, upper/middle class soccer moms (see also: Hale Moms) who wear short-shorts, a myrtle beach t-shirt, New Balances, and a clever baseball cap. The baseball cap is always pink or lavender or powder blue but never (never) yellow. (I mean, ew). These women park their BMW's on the side of the road near an anonymous park and then put their 2 year-old in a stroller and start Power Walking before they even hit the trail. That's the walk of dedication, or of women who want to make moving harder than it already is.

The Stroll. The Stroll, though possible to take during any hours of the day or night, is best experienced in the early afternoon. Do not confuse the Stroll with the Slow Walk. The Slow Walk is merely a slower Walk, the Stroll is something much more. It entails a very slow speed, approx. 1 or 2 MPH, and a slight sway of the hips as you take your steps. Kicking out your feet from under you occasionally is necessary. Frequent or infrequent stops must be made either to: 1) stare at a curious leaf, 2) stare at a curious squirrel, or 3) tie a shoelace. You may or may not have an intended destination or purpose to your stroll, but you must walk as if you had no reason for strolling. That's the whole point of the Stroll - looking as if you need not take this stroll, you're just doing it for your own pleasure. The Stroll may be taken in the company of others or alone, but you can't let the others distract you from your ultimate strolling desires. You may suck on a blow-pop or other lolli-pop item while strolling, so long as you use it as an extension of your arm when speaking.

The Run. The Run is different from the Jog. The Jog is done for exercise. People who can do the Jog include: Old men from the ages of 47-58, teenagers who are already physically fit and "in training" (the girls tend to wear only sports bras and shorts, the guys, shorts and no shirt), and physical trainers/coaches. The Run is done by those escaping a: murderer, boss, ex-lover, parent, or cop. Those also able to do the Run include: fat kids in P.E., fat kids trying to catch a bus/train/plane, fat kids trying to get to class, and fat kids trying to get anywhere quicker than a Walk.

So there you have it, Blog, three different types of gaits. I'm glad we could clear this up.

P. I. Staker