...Dear blog, that sometimes I hate my parents for picking each other, for getting married, and for giving birth to me? Not because I hate the life I've got, far from it, but becuse sometimes I feel like I contain all of the worst qualities found in my mother and father.
It's mainly the contradictions that I find unsettling. I have inside of me both an introvert and an extrovert - my father and my mother - and, probably because my parents are extremely introverted and extremely extroverted, I find in myself extreme loneliness when I'm alone, and extreme loneliness when I'm not. I don't fall in the middle - my father's ascetic tendencies do not cancel out my mother's verboseness - and I wish I could be one or the other. My dad, who can sit in a single room and be silent for days, eating peanuts, filing taxes. Doing whatever a CPA does. Or my mother, who thrives on people, almost like a goddess, sucking out a mortal's life-force with her blubbering.
Sometimes I feel terribly sad when I'm alone, and sometimes I feel terribly sad when I'm not. Usually I can tell; either I need to be away from people, or I need to find my friends.
So, what do you do when the remedies don't work? When you find yourself alone and lonely, only to transfer to a group, and feel solitude anyway?
I know one thing; I would rather be alone and lonely, than with someone and withdrawn.
P.I. Staker
Because black and white's obsolete in this technicolor world of ours
