7 Habits of Highly Effective People

The irony that my job has me searching for self-help books in the library catalogue is not wasted on me.

"Take the Road to Creativity and Get Off Your Dead End." Title search by Keyword. Scroll through the bullshit. The library doesn't have it? No shit.

Cause why would the library have that shit?

What about this one, "If You Don't Know Where You're Going, You'll Probably End Up Somewhere Else". All capitalized, just like that.

And does the library have it? No. Of course not. Cause why would the library have that shit?

Ah, this is a good one. "If I'm in Charge Here Why Is Everybody Laughing?"

Answer: No one's laughing (it's all in your head) and you're not in charge (you're in a nursing home).

Now I'm just getting bitter. I was supposed to be paid today. Got my paper paystub, went online and...nada. No money.

"The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change".

The way people dance power, persuasion, affluence, whatever, in front of the faces of those who lack it. The way people who lack it attain it. The way people understand that their grip is slipping. The way people clutch, at air (sometimes), and at roots. At something firm, to hold them down. Or maybe at something slippery, to hold it down with their own weight. (Cady, will you please tell him his hair looks sexy pushed back?).

"Weiner is Just Winner Misspelled; a Comparative Analysis of Weiners and Winners".

I made up that last one.

"God's Little Instruction Book For Graduates". I didn't make that one up.

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People

1. Cut-Throatedness. (Go for the jugular, be them friend, family, foe, or stranger. The more blood the better, be ruthless, etc).
2. Preserve those you need (don't cut their throats).
3. Everyone's expendable (see point #2).
4. Never smile. Never admit that something makes you happy (walk around with a sneer on your face and people will double themselves over trying to please you, as long as there's proof you're please-able). Never admit weakness unless, somehow, your weakness is actually a strength. This probably happens more than you realize. (Take Sally Walker, who can't help but care too much about...whatever).
5. Never sweat. (You glisten)
6. Exclusion is key. No one wants to come if everyone's invited.
7. It's never too late to get what you want. And you always get what you want.